What will your life look like in 10 years if you keep it the status quo? What dreams won't have been realized? What relationship will you miss out on? Who will have left your life? Will you still just be getting by? Will you still think that it is your environment rather than your mindset that determines the quality of your life? Will you still be letting other people make decisions for you? Will ...you still be living your life wondering, "what if"?
Today is the day my friends; today is the day to draw a line in the sand and say NO MORE! What B/S thought have you let hold you back? What have other people in your life told you about what's possible - and you believed in? What victim story are you still telling? What story are you telling yourself about your life that you no longer want to believe? What part of the past pain is still living in your heart not able to see love when it's standing right in front of you? What unchecked pain is taking up that part of your heart meant to be expressed?
What would it cost you to keep thinking this way?
I am so thankful for this Real Love community. I am so thankful for the courageous people who take a stand to stand for others. To step up to the plate and swing the loving bat to help us see and tell the truth about ourselves, to make a commitment to you so valuable to be your wise person. To see your pain and help you identify when you are bloodied and blinded by the core pain of your past. To help you see the lies about yourself that you are still living by. To help guide you and help you see when love is really standing right in front of you. Living the pain of the past you are deflecting love away with the protecting behaviors that cause separation. This high level of commitment to live in that space of becoming so loving that you will never help someone stay in the past victim roles for those who want to move out of it.
And to those who come in new, that step into that fear but really commit to exposing the real truth, to let others who have been there to call you out to a place of healing. To look at where you have been unloving due to past pain and protecting yourself. To look deeply at the behaviors you operate from that are protecting and getting, that are selfish and self centered and really deflect love away even when it stands right in front of you. Looking in the mirror is not easy and takes great courage and faith to heal the past wounds. Here is to all of you that take steps daily to learn how to be loved, loving and responsible, to those who have given up the victimhood of the past. This is a tribute to all the wise people who have daily called me on my shit. That protecting myself really deflects the love away I want and hurts others in the process. We can only have this awareness when we are open enough to receive Real Love. Hearing the truth about ourselves and practicing doing it differently. To take the steps daily to see that when we run and protect ourselves that we are really hurting those we love and not letting love in when it’s there for us. There is no connection in the getting and protecting behaviors. And unless we can see that we are doing them, then we are not being loved, loving or responsible to ourselves and others. Light and dark cannot live in the same place at the same time. If there is still pain from the past, you cannot be loving in the present.
When we use getting and protecting behaviors the other person hears “I don’t love you”….no matter what words are said.
Learn about the getting and protecting behaviors that causes all of our relationships to disconnect. www.reallove.com
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Love and Teach
Dad is out of town. My son is supposed to be staying with Grandma. He went “out” last night and failed to come home.
Mom was in TERROR. She didn’t think to call me until she was in complete panic. Couldn’t find her meds and was in total “freak out”.
I got it all settled, Shane finally arrived and we had a family pow wow.
It was interesting as I learn to LOVE AND TEACH that I show up so differently. I taught Shane this morning when he leans into responsibility and practices seeing, loving and being there for Grandma that he is learning a very important skill. He is learning how to be a happier person. His not being able to do it perfectly as he makes his mistakes, that it is my fault for not knowing how to teach this to him sooner. I have his back, but do not take over his commitments for him. He wanted to take off this weekend on a road trip to California with Friends and asked me to cover. I said no, not because it was inconvenient to me (which it is) but that I cared more for his happiness and teaching him that he is happier as he learns to keep his commitments.
Grandma wanted me to take all his things out of the house before he arrived and never wanted to see him again. Attacking. Fear. Terror.
Normal.
I helped her See him better and that he in some ways was really a child that had not been taught well yet how to be really responsible because I had failed to teach him. I had saved him one too many times. He has a good heart but his critical thinking was not up to adult yet. He did what he was taught. He had all the chores done and then went out. He drank so he did what I taught him. Don’t drive if drinking, sleep it off, then come home. He did that.
He just didn’t know Grandma was so afraid to be alone.
So once he was able to “see” grandma more clearly he easily moved to more compassion and is more clear on his job now. To love her and be present. It was never about the chores.
So they both learned a lot today and so did I. How to be completely inconvenienced. When I got the call from Grandma this morning I was on a SKYPE call with a client and left that meeting immediately. Then to show up really loving and seeing both of them for who they really are and helped them see each other more clearly. Grandma got that telling the truth about he fears was important. The façade that she is always ok, does not serve her and to ask for the love she deserves. Keep it clear and honest.
As I was inconvenienced I had not one bone in my body that said “anger”. I got there and held my mom for two hours until she felt calm again. We just talked and I held her. I stroked her hair and told her that she was not alone.
Shane walked in about 10 AM.
Shane could not have learned more how to be loving if I had been angry. He had to hear first that my words were coming from a place that I was concerned for his happiness.
I am so happy that I have learned to be happy.
Mom was in TERROR. She didn’t think to call me until she was in complete panic. Couldn’t find her meds and was in total “freak out”.
I got it all settled, Shane finally arrived and we had a family pow wow.
It was interesting as I learn to LOVE AND TEACH that I show up so differently. I taught Shane this morning when he leans into responsibility and practices seeing, loving and being there for Grandma that he is learning a very important skill. He is learning how to be a happier person. His not being able to do it perfectly as he makes his mistakes, that it is my fault for not knowing how to teach this to him sooner. I have his back, but do not take over his commitments for him. He wanted to take off this weekend on a road trip to California with Friends and asked me to cover. I said no, not because it was inconvenient to me (which it is) but that I cared more for his happiness and teaching him that he is happier as he learns to keep his commitments.
Grandma wanted me to take all his things out of the house before he arrived and never wanted to see him again. Attacking. Fear. Terror.
Normal.
I helped her See him better and that he in some ways was really a child that had not been taught well yet how to be really responsible because I had failed to teach him. I had saved him one too many times. He has a good heart but his critical thinking was not up to adult yet. He did what he was taught. He had all the chores done and then went out. He drank so he did what I taught him. Don’t drive if drinking, sleep it off, then come home. He did that.
He just didn’t know Grandma was so afraid to be alone.
So once he was able to “see” grandma more clearly he easily moved to more compassion and is more clear on his job now. To love her and be present. It was never about the chores.
So they both learned a lot today and so did I. How to be completely inconvenienced. When I got the call from Grandma this morning I was on a SKYPE call with a client and left that meeting immediately. Then to show up really loving and seeing both of them for who they really are and helped them see each other more clearly. Grandma got that telling the truth about he fears was important. The façade that she is always ok, does not serve her and to ask for the love she deserves. Keep it clear and honest.
As I was inconvenienced I had not one bone in my body that said “anger”. I got there and held my mom for two hours until she felt calm again. We just talked and I held her. I stroked her hair and told her that she was not alone.
Shane walked in about 10 AM.
Shane could not have learned more how to be loving if I had been angry. He had to hear first that my words were coming from a place that I was concerned for his happiness.
I am so happy that I have learned to be happy.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Happy Father's Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGDA0Hecw1k
Dear Dad,
I write this to you today because I love you so much. I have no greater gift to give you.
I wanted to tell you the awareness that I have gotten in this life because of the work I do and have done on myself.
When we were growing up, mom was a bit broken, hurt from past experiences. She caused a lot of upset, pain and discomfort to us all. I get she was hurting. But what I learned as child was appalling.
What I remember is that “you were to blame”. Therapist, counselors used to say that Dad was the problem. He was mean. They actually trained our minds to not love you or dislike you. It is horrifying to get those kind of signals.
So what I have learned is that everyone has behaviors that are less than loving when they are stressed, fearful, trying to survive this thing called life, with the less than useful tools given during childhood.
What the counselors did not tell us, was that everyone was broken, hurt by the past, not given enough love to be like Jesus or Buddha. All we ever needed was understanding and love. Yet they taught us to hate and to be afraid.
All you ever needed was love. We all did. We needed to be accepted in those times of fear and……. the crying out was, really, “can you love me when I am imperfect”. The Real Love practice I teach now, teaches we all just needed that kind of love.
I can’t go back to the days of my childhood. I cannot fix what I did. I was definitely taught from a victim perspective that you were a bad guy. Yes, I know you showed up angry, but you really needed love. We beat the crap out of you. We killed you and you just kept providing and loving us, No matter what. As I am writing this right now, I am filled with so much love for you and at the same time remorse. All I have is such a deep appreciation for who you really are, Perfect and loving. You are a child of the divine. God made you perfectly. Others treated you badly. I treated you badly. All you ever wanted was to feel our love. All you ever deserved was to be loved. I am crying right now, because I held this back and it’s time to tell you.
All I give you now is love, a healed heart, a new way of seeing and deeply loving you. I have been withholding this message for you for a few weeks. I regret that now. I should have told you earlier. I heard a song this last weekend. The words are included here for you. This made me understand that every day is precious and I could not wait another day to tell you how much you mean to me.
With all my heart….I wanted to tell you “in the living years”.
Happy Father’s Day!
Love Sharon
In the living years By Mike and the Mechanics
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts
So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
Dear Dad,
I write this to you today because I love you so much. I have no greater gift to give you.
I wanted to tell you the awareness that I have gotten in this life because of the work I do and have done on myself.
When we were growing up, mom was a bit broken, hurt from past experiences. She caused a lot of upset, pain and discomfort to us all. I get she was hurting. But what I learned as child was appalling.
What I remember is that “you were to blame”. Therapist, counselors used to say that Dad was the problem. He was mean. They actually trained our minds to not love you or dislike you. It is horrifying to get those kind of signals.
So what I have learned is that everyone has behaviors that are less than loving when they are stressed, fearful, trying to survive this thing called life, with the less than useful tools given during childhood.
What the counselors did not tell us, was that everyone was broken, hurt by the past, not given enough love to be like Jesus or Buddha. All we ever needed was understanding and love. Yet they taught us to hate and to be afraid.
All you ever needed was love. We all did. We needed to be accepted in those times of fear and……. the crying out was, really, “can you love me when I am imperfect”. The Real Love practice I teach now, teaches we all just needed that kind of love.
I can’t go back to the days of my childhood. I cannot fix what I did. I was definitely taught from a victim perspective that you were a bad guy. Yes, I know you showed up angry, but you really needed love. We beat the crap out of you. We killed you and you just kept providing and loving us, No matter what. As I am writing this right now, I am filled with so much love for you and at the same time remorse. All I have is such a deep appreciation for who you really are, Perfect and loving. You are a child of the divine. God made you perfectly. Others treated you badly. I treated you badly. All you ever wanted was to feel our love. All you ever deserved was to be loved. I am crying right now, because I held this back and it’s time to tell you.
All I give you now is love, a healed heart, a new way of seeing and deeply loving you. I have been withholding this message for you for a few weeks. I regret that now. I should have told you earlier. I heard a song this last weekend. The words are included here for you. This made me understand that every day is precious and I could not wait another day to tell you how much you mean to me.
With all my heart….I wanted to tell you “in the living years”.
Happy Father’s Day!
Love Sharon
In the living years By Mike and the Mechanics
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts
So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's day!
I have seen a life unfold. I have been the safe keeper of a soul that was never "mine" but God's. I have learned to love another with all my heart.
I had no idea that when I had my son, that my life would never be the same. I didn't know that because of you my heart and soul would cry out to be the best I could be.
I was broken and lost, alone and afraid. I had no idea that having a child could give me the motivation to be the seeker of higher self, to be more so I could give more.
Timothy Shane Stephens Taitano. You have been my inspiration to be more. To grow to a place where my sole intention is to learn to love more. You are why I am who I am now.
Some days I see you cry out for more. You ask me how you can learn to be more present and loving like me.....you are so much more than me. Just look inside yourself. The inspiration you gave me is inside you. It has always been there. You gave it to me. You gave me the greatest gift I could ever have. Your heart. You gave me life. I thought I gave you life. I was wrong. Happy Mother's day son......
I had no idea that when I had my son, that my life would never be the same. I didn't know that because of you my heart and soul would cry out to be the best I could be.
I was broken and lost, alone and afraid. I had no idea that having a child could give me the motivation to be the seeker of higher self, to be more so I could give more.
Timothy Shane Stephens Taitano. You have been my inspiration to be more. To grow to a place where my sole intention is to learn to love more. You are why I am who I am now.
Some days I see you cry out for more. You ask me how you can learn to be more present and loving like me.....you are so much more than me. Just look inside yourself. The inspiration you gave me is inside you. It has always been there. You gave it to me. You gave me the greatest gift I could ever have. Your heart. You gave me life. I thought I gave you life. I was wrong. Happy Mother's day son......
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
My Father
I wanted to share my story.
Real Love has saved my life. Tonight I spent time with Greg Baer about my life. He held me while I talked about the men in my life. We talked about how I had never had a man in my life that loved me without wanting something back.
My father was a very broken man. He showed up for us very angry and controlling. I was severly crippled by this man in many ways. He never spoke to me unless is was with veins popping out of his neck.
Fast forward and I am 50 years old now. I have spoken many times about how my life with him has gotten more peaceful and loving. He didn't work on changing him. I worked on healing me.
Tonight I crawled into his recliner with him and he held me for an hour while we watched a full hour of law and order. He patted my back. I left and cried the whole way home. I had waited a lifetime for this.
If anyone doubts the healing power of REAL LOVE, please sit with me and I will tell you how it has shown up for me.
REAL LOVE melts monsters. EVEN MINE.
I love you all for supporting my life and work. All of the love you gave me, I learned to give my father. He wants to love me. He always did. I am teaching him how.
Love Sharon
Real Love has saved my life. Tonight I spent time with Greg Baer about my life. He held me while I talked about the men in my life. We talked about how I had never had a man in my life that loved me without wanting something back.
My father was a very broken man. He showed up for us very angry and controlling. I was severly crippled by this man in many ways. He never spoke to me unless is was with veins popping out of his neck.
Fast forward and I am 50 years old now. I have spoken many times about how my life with him has gotten more peaceful and loving. He didn't work on changing him. I worked on healing me.
Tonight I crawled into his recliner with him and he held me for an hour while we watched a full hour of law and order. He patted my back. I left and cried the whole way home. I had waited a lifetime for this.
If anyone doubts the healing power of REAL LOVE, please sit with me and I will tell you how it has shown up for me.
REAL LOVE melts monsters. EVEN MINE.
I love you all for supporting my life and work. All of the love you gave me, I learned to give my father. He wants to love me. He always did. I am teaching him how.
Love Sharon
 |
| Mom and Dad |
Monday, November 22, 2010
I feel therefore I am alive!
Real Happiness comes from "feeling" our feelings. Quite literally.
If you can track your feelings they will reveal the lies and expectations that shackle us to our unhappiness. So they are a gift. The greatest learning and light comes in those moments of shear consciousness of "what our feelings mean".
So feelings are an indicator of where we are at AND what we need to change.
Change comes from not being afraid of our feelings.
Fear of our feelings is what causes us to kick into a behavior. When we have pain, it feels like it will kill us. So we kick into getting and protecting behaviors.
Real Happiness is "I feel therefore I grow and learn". Not "I feel therefore I medicate".
If we medicate our feelings we never learn our light. We never make it to the next level of our lives. We never live to our potential. We repeat the same patterns over and over again.
Sitting with a feeling for as long as we need to without medicating, we get the awareness of what we need to change.
What a gift.
So in those moments of confusion and pain, the thing to do is identify the feeling. Do not cover it up, stuff it, run from it or medicate it.
Once you have it identified, then ask, "what is the lie or expectation you are having that is keeping you from moving ahead?"
So a man called me today. He said he was sad. But we identified his real "feelings". He was insecure and unworthy. So once we identified that, then we were able to identify that he felt still like he needed to be "further along" or " doing real love more righter" or "had to jump through a hoop" to somehow earn the love I had to freely give.
He has never been loved this way, so he has a "habit" of showing up to the world by "buying" his love in imitation currency. He still feels "bad". So what he is really needing is proof over time that people will love him just the way he is. That takes time and repetition. It does not happen over night. The world has taught him that the world does not love this way.
So he needs to make multiple calls to wise men and women who are "full" and capable of helping him see his lies. Wise men and women can get the currency of real love to him in each call. Eventually, and the key word here is "eventually", he will begin to "feel" happiness.
So you see by this example, that if we don't "feel" all the emotions then we never can make ti to "happiness"
True joy comes from having all the feelings all at once totally accepting and embracing them and not feel afraid of them AT ALL!
Then joy arrives. Our fears are our preditors. But the reality is, fear and feelings will not kill us. In order to become a "mature" adult we need to get that "AHA", that none of it will kill us.
We just have to realease and let go. Practice the steps to happiness with wise people. They will train you how and help you on your way to happiness.
Be loved
Be loving
Be responsible
Three steps to happiness.
What are you feeling today?
1.Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love
2.Passion
3.Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4.Positive Expectation/Belief
5.Optimism
6.Hopefulness
7.Contentment
8.Boredom
9.Pessimism
10.Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11.Overwhelment
12.Disappointment
13.Doubt
14.Worry
15.Blame
16.Discouragement
17.Anger
18.Revenge
19.Hatred/Rage
20.Jealousy
21.Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22.Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness
If you can track your feelings they will reveal the lies and expectations that shackle us to our unhappiness. So they are a gift. The greatest learning and light comes in those moments of shear consciousness of "what our feelings mean".
So feelings are an indicator of where we are at AND what we need to change.
Change comes from not being afraid of our feelings.
Fear of our feelings is what causes us to kick into a behavior. When we have pain, it feels like it will kill us. So we kick into getting and protecting behaviors.
Real Happiness is "I feel therefore I grow and learn". Not "I feel therefore I medicate".
If we medicate our feelings we never learn our light. We never make it to the next level of our lives. We never live to our potential. We repeat the same patterns over and over again.
Sitting with a feeling for as long as we need to without medicating, we get the awareness of what we need to change.
What a gift.
So in those moments of confusion and pain, the thing to do is identify the feeling. Do not cover it up, stuff it, run from it or medicate it.
Once you have it identified, then ask, "what is the lie or expectation you are having that is keeping you from moving ahead?"
So a man called me today. He said he was sad. But we identified his real "feelings". He was insecure and unworthy. So once we identified that, then we were able to identify that he felt still like he needed to be "further along" or " doing real love more righter" or "had to jump through a hoop" to somehow earn the love I had to freely give.
He has never been loved this way, so he has a "habit" of showing up to the world by "buying" his love in imitation currency. He still feels "bad". So what he is really needing is proof over time that people will love him just the way he is. That takes time and repetition. It does not happen over night. The world has taught him that the world does not love this way.
So he needs to make multiple calls to wise men and women who are "full" and capable of helping him see his lies. Wise men and women can get the currency of real love to him in each call. Eventually, and the key word here is "eventually", he will begin to "feel" happiness.
So you see by this example, that if we don't "feel" all the emotions then we never can make ti to "happiness"
True joy comes from having all the feelings all at once totally accepting and embracing them and not feel afraid of them AT ALL!
Then joy arrives. Our fears are our preditors. But the reality is, fear and feelings will not kill us. In order to become a "mature" adult we need to get that "AHA", that none of it will kill us.
We just have to realease and let go. Practice the steps to happiness with wise people. They will train you how and help you on your way to happiness.
Be loved
Be loving
Be responsible
Three steps to happiness.
What are you feeling today?
1.Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love
2.Passion
3.Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4.Positive Expectation/Belief
5.Optimism
6.Hopefulness
7.Contentment
8.Boredom
9.Pessimism
10.Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11.Overwhelment
12.Disappointment
13.Doubt
14.Worry
15.Blame
16.Discouragement
17.Anger
18.Revenge
19.Hatred/Rage
20.Jealousy
21.Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22.Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I made a promise this year to make this Blog personal!
This is my first entry really telling the truth about myself and sharing on a different level than before.
As I practice real love or just any spiritual practice I get Aha's that I would like to share and haven't really done that at a personal level as it pertains to me.
I went about two weeks ago to the doctor and found out I have shingles. It's the chicken pox virus that stays in our body dormant through out our lives. If it comes out later again, it shows up and transforms itself in a different way. It is shingles.
I got it on my face. I got it around my eye. Left side. The outside appearance of rash and itchy stuff is the first symptom. The other symptons are non-visible. The disease is nerv driven and causes a lot of pain. Since it is near my eye, the doc told me it is "ocular" shinlges and I could loose my eye. He told me the pain is severe and some people have committed suicide because it messes with the brain and causes depression.
So I pushed through the pain, trying to be super woman. I realized after about two weeks and another visit to the doc that the pain was really wearing me out.
A mix of pain, tiredness, fear of loosing my eye......behaviors started to come out.
The realization that emptiness can show up due to physical cahllenges. It gave me a greater understanding to people with extreme back pain or other pain. My mom is on pain killers for damage to discs in her back. I can relate more now.
It's just plain hard to be loving when one is in pain. So I isolated myself, felt depression coming on, attacking myself for being non-superwoman, pushed away loved ones because a I must be flawed, because love is only for the emotional healing, right? I had lot's of confusion around this. My brain was being screwed with. Pain does that. I didn't know.
Once I began to see that even exhaustion can cause us to be less capable of being loving I emptied out. I live thinking I am superwoman or should be. Can anyone relate?
Well, I finally allowed some loving people to be with me in this and I can't tell you the difference it made. My head still hurts but I feel loved. Thanks to the loving people who hold my hand when I tell the truth about how I am being unloving and fearful, I feel better. The pain has not stopped yet. The Doctor said for sure I have to be on meds for at least a month more to kill it. He said it could take 8-12 months of meds to do it all.
But what did go away was fear. I am not alone. I am never alone. People love me even when I am stressed beyond my capacity. I never have to be alone. I remember driving home from the opthamologist and being told that I could loose my eye feeling very alone in that and crying.
With me telling people about it and letting them love me, it has made all the difference in the world.
Thanks real love community! I love you........Sharon
As I practice real love or just any spiritual practice I get Aha's that I would like to share and haven't really done that at a personal level as it pertains to me.
I went about two weeks ago to the doctor and found out I have shingles. It's the chicken pox virus that stays in our body dormant through out our lives. If it comes out later again, it shows up and transforms itself in a different way. It is shingles.
I got it on my face. I got it around my eye. Left side. The outside appearance of rash and itchy stuff is the first symptom. The other symptons are non-visible. The disease is nerv driven and causes a lot of pain. Since it is near my eye, the doc told me it is "ocular" shinlges and I could loose my eye. He told me the pain is severe and some people have committed suicide because it messes with the brain and causes depression.
So I pushed through the pain, trying to be super woman. I realized after about two weeks and another visit to the doc that the pain was really wearing me out.
A mix of pain, tiredness, fear of loosing my eye......behaviors started to come out.
The realization that emptiness can show up due to physical cahllenges. It gave me a greater understanding to people with extreme back pain or other pain. My mom is on pain killers for damage to discs in her back. I can relate more now.
It's just plain hard to be loving when one is in pain. So I isolated myself, felt depression coming on, attacking myself for being non-superwoman, pushed away loved ones because a I must be flawed, because love is only for the emotional healing, right? I had lot's of confusion around this. My brain was being screwed with. Pain does that. I didn't know.
Once I began to see that even exhaustion can cause us to be less capable of being loving I emptied out. I live thinking I am superwoman or should be. Can anyone relate?
Well, I finally allowed some loving people to be with me in this and I can't tell you the difference it made. My head still hurts but I feel loved. Thanks to the loving people who hold my hand when I tell the truth about how I am being unloving and fearful, I feel better. The pain has not stopped yet. The Doctor said for sure I have to be on meds for at least a month more to kill it. He said it could take 8-12 months of meds to do it all.
But what did go away was fear. I am not alone. I am never alone. People love me even when I am stressed beyond my capacity. I never have to be alone. I remember driving home from the opthamologist and being told that I could loose my eye feeling very alone in that and crying.
With me telling people about it and letting them love me, it has made all the difference in the world.
Thanks real love community! I love you........Sharon
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