The last couple of months have been really interesting. I have gotten a lot of attacking emails saying "how dare I teach what I do"? People who do not agree with my way of being in the world. I know that they are describing their own pain or process or way of thinking at the moment. The journey is always about their own un-acceptance of things that scare them or they cannot control.
I am the strong one, the one who can see the truth. But the truth is....I feel, I stuff, I make sure everyone else around me is ok first. I neglect my own care. I have always been this way.
I was made caretaker of my family as a little girl.
I let my feelings sit on a back burner. I shoved it down. It was killing me.
Silly me.
I was starting to explode on my partner. I felt rage inside for all the things he was or wasn't doing to me or for me.
And the miracle that came from this is that as soon as someone knocked down my wall, I felt completely different. I am so glad for the loving people in my life that knew, if I had not been calling, I was stuffing.
They came to me, showed up at my door and talked with me for a couple of hours.
I cried, I balled and I let it all out. It just melted my heart to be loved and seen and accepted for one of my biggest behaviors, lying. Not reaching out to take care of myself.
The next day, I felt love again with my partner. Amazing that all the things he was doing or does, does not ever bother me when I am feeling love, feeling loving and am love.
But sometimes it takes someone knocking down my wall.
I am not responsible as often as I could be to take care and share the feelings that well up inside of me.
A few days later I am still filled with awe that I can have such a sweeping change in my relationship, because I changed, because I let my guard down and let my loved ones in.
I am filled with gratitude. Thank you life, love...and so it is.
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