Greg's Real Love Blog
Looking at the world through the clarifying lens of Real Love
"You're Just Temporarily Insane."
Cindy called and described feeling depressed, irritable, and hopeless. And she was severely beating herself up that she couldn't just rise above these feelings by force of will. Earlier that day she had called a couple of friends, but she didn't feel any better.
After looking at the notes of my past conversations with her, I asked, "Are your menstrual periods fairly regular?"
She paused in surprised and answered, "Yes, why?"
"I just looked at my notes, and I can see that previously you expressed feelings exactly like the ones you're telling me today, and you felt this way 30 days ago and 60 days ago. Not a coincidence, I think."
"I never noticed that."
"Sweetie, you're just temporarily insane. You can't help it. So while you're like this, just relax. We've almost certainly identified the problem, and it's likely there isn't much you can do about it. If it's severe every month and makes your life unbearable, you might see your doctor to learn whether there's something you can do medically to lessen your symptoms. But most important is to know that you're just nuts, so you can quit fighting it and simply accept it. It can be quite a relief to let go of your expectations that you should be able to suddenly make yourself happy right now. You could still call people who love you, though, and see if it feels any better to be accepted by them while you're crazy."
"I'm beginning to feel better already."
"I'm not trying to give you an excuse for feeling bad or behaving badly, just giving you more information, so you don't feel worse for being a bad person when you feel irritable and faithless."
"That's exactly how I feel."
I can't count the number of times I have helped women to recognize significant PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome). Why wouldn't they notice it themselves? Because when PMS is severe enough, the hormonal levels literally poison the brain and make the individual sufficiently impaired that she can't recognize HOW impaired she is. Nor can she identify the cause. Nothing external appears to be different, so she blames herself and tries to climb out of her hole with two broken legs. People with hormone poisoning have difficulty thinking rationally about anything, much less analyzing their own impairment---in much the same way that people who are drunk are impaired on multiple levels.
We all have times when we just feel bad for no apparent reason: we feel sick and depleted before we recognize that we have a cold or the flu, old and negative feelings overwhelm us out of nowhere, and so on. If we feel bad for a day or so, we don't always have to FIX it. Sometimes it's better just to relax and let it happen. Certainly, being around loving people either in person or by phone is a good idea. Or we might meditate or pray. But sometimes nothing works, and we need to remember that our misery is not likely to last forever. Storms always come to an end, and the sun comes out again.
If unhappiness lasts for more than a couple of days, we might get more serious about finding a cause. We might spend more time with wise men and women, for example, but in the short term we don't have to fuss about every deviation from complete rationality and happiness.
Posted by Greg Baer on January 16, 2013 8:18 AM
I am so glad to read this Blog, as I have suffered with this insanity my whole life. How I figured it out was with a loving partner 10 years ago that said he thought that my insanity had a pattern to it. He suggested that for a year I log on a calendar my thoughts, feelings and how my body felt.
So for a year I took notes on a calendar and saw the exact trends that happened. I discovered certain days of the month where I was so exhausted, crashed, burned and slept more. Then is was followed by back ache and then the mental insanity kicked in. So I learned to let it pass, not to make any big decisions during that time. I learned it was temporary and I even put it into my outlook to pop up every month because when it happened, it was so awful, that without a reminder, I was making very terrible decisions from a place of insanity I could not see. I had to have something remind me. It felt better to understand at least what was happening biologically. During that time I also researched and found supplements that really helped.
As I move into the next phase of my life, it has also felt good to know that part of my insanity this year is caused by menopause. As Greg says,
"I'm not trying to give you an excuse for feeling bad or behaving badly, just giving you more information, so you don't feel worse for being a bad person when you feel irritable and faithless."
I really began to feel unworthy because I had more emotion, made irrational decisions, couldn't retain new information with ease, had increased fatigue and made it all about me being bad or unworthy.
It just means I understand that I need to take good care of myself, be aware, make adjustments. I have taken this very seriously. I want to be sane and loving. I exercise more regularly than I ever have before. I take more seriously whom I surround myself with(loving people). I eat better. I rest more. I understand my capacity challenges and only do what I can and nothing more. I take care of me. Having an understanding helps. It helps me make better choices for the "me I have to work with", menopause or not.
Real Love in my life has proved to help with everything. This time has been a struggle. But I can tell you without loving people who have known me for a long time, I would not have even figured out what this phase was about. I am so thankful that real love has given me a foundation for how to"take care" of me and how important that is. If I can take care of me at what ever level I need to, then I can be happier, because I can show up more loving no matter what. Being loving makes me happy.
So when the hot flashes take hold and "take me over", when my nights are sleepless dealing with the symptoms, I just get to say "isn't that interesting" and "I just might need a little siesta today". I take care of me. And if you know me at all, this has always been a challenge. God provides the way....
I hope this helps other women to see that no matter what the challenge, you are important. You are not insane. You just need love.
Sharon Winnngham, CRLC
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