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My own Victimhood


















I have an excuse for everything.  I cannot write because I have no talent.  I have so much to share but who would really listen.  I am not smart so what would I really have to say. 

Victimhood was taught to me by mommie dearest.  My son had to be the one to really love me enough to call me on it. 

I have never been able to see my worth.  Although I have helped hundreds of people change their lives, I have hung on to old lies taught to me by drowning people who could not love me.

I raised a great son and in my thinking then I have served my purpose.  In light of a recent occurrence in our community, a dear loved one took their own life, I contemplated that CHOICE we all have.  I contemplated that choice as a one of freedom from pain and why could I not make that choice. 

In that cry to understand why that seemed to be a valid choice I cried out to a few loved ones to discuss this. As I turned to these conversations I found love.  I found the one person who knew me well enough to call me out.  My son.

I had several conversations.  All of them were rot with victimhood.  Some told me I was the strongest person they had ever known and they loved me (Shane's dad).  I had called Guam and talked with him.  I am angry with him for never being there for our son.  (that's a sidebar-because he became irrelevant in the happiness quotient of my sons life). 

I spoke to an ex-boyfriend (Martin).  He happened to call me and I spoke my truth about my contemplations.  I spoke the truth about how I had so much  evidence that I was not lovable.  How he could not love me.  (victim) Although he is not the right partner for me he does love me.

I spoke to River during the day and she cared for me deeply and gave me lots of time.  But I still deflected love away. 

This whole last week, contemplating the deeper meaning of the "world" ending, I kept true to my deep belief that something bigger than we could see is happening and evolving calling us into that deeper look into ourselves. 

I kept wanting to hear the message for me.  I kept hearing callings and messages but they were too skewed for me to put a finger on it. 

I wanted my whole life to help others, but not have to make a living from it.  I wanted to some how be taken care of by someone or thing else(irresponsible) and just help others.  Somehow this feeling of incongruency of having to charge left me feeling victim.  I could never put my finger on it.  I believe now that it was a deep calling in me but skewed by unworthiness.  That I am not valuable enough to get paid for it.  That I don't deserve to make a great living by helping others. 

My final conversation in contepmplation of a choice to end pain by suicide, I spoke to my son.  He has known I struggled with past pain my whole life.  He has felt deeply loved by me and has told me that I have saved his life. I hear the words, but still deflect the love away. 

He has made statements in the last year that anything he does for me is not out of obligation but a deep love and wanting to give.  I still deflected it away. 

Our conversation last night was a profound one. 
I am ok. Big flashbacks happened yesterday. I have isolated myself from love completely and have trouble seeing my worth. Shane spent a couple of hours with me last night and really challenged me to look at what I give this world. That I could not see my worth and that I deflect love away even from him. He held me while I cried. He siad I was convinced that love from even him was wrong and he gives it freely with no obligation. He reminded me that I was isolating and forgeting Love and the lies I believed about my unworthiness were killing me. He said he knew I struggled my whole life with it and I had to wake up to my value. I has some really big memories of a past boyfriend from years ago that come up. So painful that made me go back to some pretty big lies that it was all my fault and it proved no one could love me. I tanked and as I thought about options that why couldn't I have the choice too like Tom. Why couldn't I have that choice. Why wasn't I allowed to have that freedom. And as I got that I have that choice and Shane allowed me to talk about it. I felt him loving me. He held me. He was hard on me about being a victim and said that clinging to all the old lies was a darkness I was not seeing. It was a choice that I wasn't seeing as a choice. He kept with me until I got it. He has a gift of seeing and loving. My choices make me free and I can choose to see my worthiness from within and not defined by others. He said I have to make a choice to quit deflecting eveidence away because the old unworthiness is like a warm blanket that my mom taught me to hold on to. My son is right. I must choose happiness and know that is a choice I want. But he said I have to get seen and loved more. That I am forgetting that I am not alone.    November 30th 2012 My Birthday Tom Platt Took his life.  He touched my life in so many ways.  Rest in Peace Tom.  I love you....

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