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IT HAS TO BE ME

It has to be me.


Sitting up in the middle of the night, withdrawn from my partner because like him, I am weary.  The crossroads is always right there in front of me.  And sometimes I just want to choose the easy way. 

The "Road Less Travled" at times seems like one I am not ready to travel.  Why does it always have to be me to be the leader, to take the next right step?  To be the one who will be loving first. 

Why?  I love with someone who has had great trauma.  I am one who understands trauma.   I have had my own and I deal with others every day who have experienced great trauma.  But my guy, well, he has experienced more than most.  His PTSD is pretty strong.  His fears cause him to knee jerk in some pretty big ways.  He destroys things in his path.  His heart is huge.  His reactions strong and not always loving.  It is exactly like the example of the drowning man.  When he is in fear he cannot hear anything I have to say.  And in those moments when he is acting from his fear, I want him to hear me. 

I love him and most of the time I do a pretty good job.  Other times I become the exacting "right" justified bitch and other times I just withdraw. 

It seems that the victimhood of my life appears at this time to remind me that "it has to be me" is a choice to be loving not a badge of honor I can throw in his face.  I feel the sting lately of "after all I have done for you" in many areas of my life.  So while I feel that, it raises it's ugly head in this relationship. 

My man is sweet and big hearted.  The only time he ever is unloving is when he feels threatened.  I have the ability to love him and calm his fears.  Sometimes I just don't want to.  The victim kicks in.  I want to be loving all the time, but I cannot. 

He asked me for what he wanted tonight.  He said " I am tired and weary".  I wanted it to come from him.  And as I am reminded now of how sweet our closeness is, I want that.  I want to be close, yet hear the victim cry inside of me, "why does is always have to be me"?  Because I love him. 

And in those moments I am reminded it has to be me, because all of my happiness depends on that....

It has to be me, no matter what others are doing around me.  It has to be me. 

I choose to love again and again every day.  I have to make that choice to go against the knee jerk patterns of my past.

So I am going now to him at 4 am and tell him that I love him.....

I know the outcome. I know the tenderness by which he can give again.  Isn't that all I ever wanted?

It has to be me and I like that.  Sharon

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