By Joyce Marter, LCPC
Comments in Sarcasm….by Sharon Winningham
I got a call the other day and the woman asked, “Can you please tell me where self-love comes into the teaching of unconditional love in our lives? We don’t talk about it a lot and I am really confused.”
I was reading an article today that talked about how much happier you would be if you could love yourself. As this is completely true, most of us are so stuck in the pain and fears from the past that there is no way for us to even know how to do this, what it looks like or how to perform it for ourselves. Yes do we need to love ourselves? Yes, it’s kind of the goal untimately. But we need to have it modeled for us somewhere first before we can do it for ourselves.
Well in pop psychology, they give some “steps” to take. All really valuable. But when I read them I get thoughts that come up. And I though I would share them with you.
The article gave some really useful tips. The problem is that most people are in fight or flight, denial about their pain, or simply so immersed in it that they don’t even know of or see anything else but darkness.
Here are some of the goodness they talk about and tips to practice loving yourself.
The following are key strategies that are critical in practicing self-love:
1) Consciously choose to be your own best friend. Replace your inner critic with a positive and gentle voice that compassionately coaches you through the trials and tribulations of life. Imagine the grief you will save yourself without the almost incessant criticizing and comparing and instead choosing to tap into the endless source of support that is so readily available?
Ok, so I totally agree to this if it were possible for most people. Most people really do believe all the lies that were told to them…. that they were unworthy of love, that life was hard, that there isn’t enough to go around, they are not good enough and more. From that place, how good of an inner coach do you think you will have to take you to that next level of happiness? Probably not going to happen even if you sit in meditation 24-7!
2) Surround yourself with positive support. Free yourself of toxic relationships and unhealthy life roles by being direct in your communication with others. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Let go of relationships that constrain you and bring you down. Set healthy boundaries, say ‘no’ when you need to, and create space for joy and love in your life. Spend time with people who believe in you and want the best for you.
Now here is some truth! Free yourself from toxic relationships. Ok…”but, this is all I have ever known…..what does non-toxic look like?” Most people have never even seen a healthy relationship, so how can they even identify the “toxic”? And that old “use your voice” advice. Being “completely afraid that others might withhold love from you”, will assuredly not free you from the imitation love of people pleasing. Although all the above information is wonderful, there is a huge learning curve and practice stage to overcome. They make it sound so simple. Trite even. If you are in a lot of pain, you cannot just do this differently. Not in the beginning, not without practice and love and guidance.
3) Live your life in a way that is congruent with who you truly are. Be authentic and honest with yourself and others. Don’t pretend to be somebody you aren’t just to live up to somebody else’s standards. Also, don’t live your life for somebody else. Be open and real. Free yourself from the opinions of others and care more about if you feel comfortable in your own skin.
This is classic rhetoric. “Just be yourself.” “Be Authentic”. Almost makes me want to laugh. Most people in pain have never been out of it long enough to know who they are. Good in concept, but how do we get there? We were told everyday for 18 years of our lives who to be by our parents. Most people didn’t have parents who didn’t vomit their own fears about life onto them. Yeah, nope..... (NIKE’s) “just do it”, doesn’t work.
4) Invest time, energy and resources in your dreams. Quite frankly, you will experience a slow psychological death and much self-loathing if you don’t. You deserve to have your dreams come to fruition and you are more than capable and deserving. Align yourself with your highest vision. Create a plan with measurable objectives, a support team and a timeline. Make your dreams your reality.
(NIKE’s) “just do it”, doesn’t work
(NIKE’s) “just do it”, doesn’t work
(NIKE’s) “just do it”, doesn’t work, I just needed to say that a few times…
….but what does…making a plan? Set goals? “Wait, I am just trying to figure out how I can manipulate my boyfriend to give me more time and attention, we fight a lot and can’t pay the bills”. ~story of most people’s reality. Setting goals and taking steps when we are in that much fear don’t happen easily. So you see some patterns starting to emerge here?
5) Practice gratitude for your strengths, blessings and gifts and all you have done well. Look at the good parts. Do not compare yourself to others. Do not give your power away. Journal your accomplishments.
Gratitude is something we need to practice. But it comes as a natural result of feeling loved, loving and responsible. Practicing all of these steps work, but if fear is the order of the day then we will stay stuck. All of the steps are valid in number 5. But so much richer and affective if you share all of these steps in the presence of love not fear. Loved ones can love you and help you anchor in that feeling of acceptance for where ever you are in these stages of evolution.
6) Celebrate your body. Bathe it, feed it, decorate it with clothes and jewelry you like, and honor it with healthy decisions. Regularly and consciously breathe and stretch. Eat nutritious and delicious food and savor it. Make sure your body gets proper rest and exercise. Ensure your body has passionate sex. Practice mindfulness to focus your awareness on the feeling of aliveness from within the body.
Have you ever told someone that all that ice-cream is not good for you…and they didn’t eating it? The ice-cream is not the problem, their pain is the problem. All the symptoms are there. The not breathing well, not being peaceful, not eating the right foods, getting the right rest and exercise, being committed to all of that when you are in survival mode.
7) Make your home a sanctuary. Free yourself of clutter. Create space for light. Select a place for everything. Keep only objects that have meaning, use or are beautiful to you. Make is feel safe and comfortable and a place you want to be. Ensure your home reflects who you are.
What is wrong with this picture? Is there just not enough light in your home? Don’t you know how to keep it safe and warm and fuzzy….still the list goes on!
8) Manage your money. Money is a resource that ebbs and flows like water. Ensure there is a healthy balance of earning versus spending and that you have financial peace. Allow abundance into your life and become conscious of your spending. Enlist the help of others as needed.
My sarcasm is shining through. I have been a coach for a long time and the video we laugh about often is Bob Newhart’s “Just Stop it!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw
9) Gift yourself with time and space. Unplug from technology. Do not over schedule yourself. Prioritize time for self-care like meditation, yoga and leisure.
Yoga instructors love this one….I love the picture of all the cells phone piled up on a dining table to people will actually connect with each other.
10) Choose a “Self-Love Hero”. Know somebody who practices these strategies well? Emulate him or her. Make a commitment to a daily practice towards self-love. Keep a journal. As my yoga teacher says, “With practice, your limits move away.”
So what is my take on this list? There is not a darn thing wrong with it. All of these things need to be a part of our lives. It’s just so danged hard to commit to any of them when you are in fight or flight, in fear and confusion, in pain and drama trying to survive. How do we go from all hells breaking loose our lives to do yoga and be happy?
There is no coach or phycologist in the world who thinks that it’s easy…just follow the list. There are no shortcuts. What does it take to change your life? All of the above AND desire and faith. To trust that eventually all these things can become easier in time.
But what I noticed THE most about the article is that it left out the most important thing we need. LOVE
Love is the grease that gets the wheel going over to our happiness. It makes all these things just a little bit easier
LOVE
The Beatles knew all we need is love…………
Looking to learn how to receive more love in your life?
www.loving-groups.com
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