A General Theory Of Love reveals that humans require social connection for optimal brain development, and that babies cared for in a loving environment are psychological and neurologically ‘immunized’ by love. When things get difficult in adult life, the neural wiring developed from a love-filled childhood leads to increased emotional resilience in adult life. Conversely, those who grow up in an environment where loving care is unstable or absent are less likely to be resilient in the face of emotional distress.
When two parents are not on the same page and children don’t have a sense of predictability, a routine they can depend on then they feel a sense of insecurity and anxiety will grow. If one parent is the playful one allowing fun and excitement and only occasionally as that parent is absent often, then they learn to desire that as an addiction. They want the imitation love of fun and excitement over the parent who may be trying to create the sense of real safety they need. When they don’t get the underlying false sense of love they act out and usually parents get frustrated or punish them.
The parent who is more structured begins to be the parent who is the enemy and there is a lost bond. The children don’t feel connected. The fun parent helps them build a false bond to imitation love. They feel anxious when they don’t get it and hate the real love from the other parent. Usually the structured parent begins to feel anxious and also contributes to the overwhelm of the children to feel a lack of connection in the world.
Both parents no matter what has to be on the same page. Children need their world to be completely predictable and no tension between the parents agreements. Both are speaking the same language.
The fun parent may be childlike and uncapable of having routines and find it confining. The fun parent may be doing it to get praise and adoration from the children. The children learn fear and anxiety that predictably will result in an obscure ideal of love and a false sense of safety in the world.
My daddy loved me alot and mom was a bitch. Neither are true.
This is harmful to a child who then has lost the bonds to both parents, feeling love from no place at all.
Sharon Winningham
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