Skip to main content

Saying "I am sorry"

It's inevitable that we will hurt each other.   It's a part of the human experience.  We are not perfect and we will make mistakes that cause others to hurt and other's will hurt us.

This is a real opportunity for us to learn in these moments.  When someone does something to cause us discomfort or pain, we can look at our level of reaction and use this as a learning tool to evaluate our own level of happiness.  If we react really badly then it's a sign that we really are needing more unconditional love in our own life.  We can then look at what we could do differently to gain the fullness we need.

We can also evaluate the other person for signs of fullness or emptiness and gauge how close we should really be with them intimately according to our own capacity to be loving also.  It is an ever fluctuating dynamic but a great tool to "see" ourselves and others and to potentially learn and make better decisions. 

When we hurt someone and feel regret we generally have been taught to apologize. 

Let's take a look at that dynamic.

If we are empty, regret is really the feeling of another person potentially withholding their love from us, having disapproval of our actions and therefore us.  So the traditional apology is for us to get our pain of withdrawal removed.  It is to ask for forgiveness. We are actually wanting something from them.   If we look at it as a "getting" behavior, we can therefore see it as a Me Me Me, self centered action.  Sometimes the other person may not be ready to forgive us.  They still may be processing their feelings.

I see a "unconditional loving apology" in a very different way. It's a gift we give without wanting anything in return.   We can inspire hope in the situation/relationship if we do it correctly, giving a gift instead of asking for something from the other person. 

Since we cannot change what we can't see, we can give hope to the other person (a gift) if we can articulate the following:

Here is what I did, here is the behavior I used:
Here is how I can see it hurt you (be specific in all of these):
Now that I can see it, I can work on changing that behavior.

My son, at seven years old, said to me once, "why do you keep apologizing if you still keep doing it".  That really was profound for me and made me think deeply about what I could do differently.

So without "needing" approval or forgiveness, that the other person may not be ready to give, if ever,  we can give a gift of hope, by telling them what we do see and how we are working to change it.  The gift of hope is given to them and therefore opening up the door for love to gain it's ground again in the relationship. 

So the next time you want to apologize, think it through first.  Who is it really for?

Is it to ease your own pain or bring hope?

Love,

Sharon Winningham, ULLC
602-405-0144

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

January 2009 Well, I have truly been the success story. I was getting divorced the first time I went to a Real Love Seminar some four years ago at New Vision (2005) Everything in my life was falling apart. I lost a bunch, especially being a Realtor. I went through the Real Love host training way back when with Reverend Michelle, went to another intensive weekend, continued to grow and now have a thriving, growing, rockin’ out Real Love co-ed group. I still want and yearn to do something with the teen kids. I now find myself 1-2 nights a week visiting with couples, having one on ones talking about the principals. They grow and find happiness……………..WOW……..I am so thankful. During the rough times, I almost lost my son. Ready to put him on a plane to his dad’s, I instead called and got a real love coach. It saved our lives. 2 months with Daphne Rocked! So now today, I live in a loving relationship, married to a man that firmly believes and practices real love principles. I joke with hi...

Spritual Oneness

I am truly one in God with my partner.  There is no separation  between us in the good, bad, or the ugly.  There is so much beauty in the conflict we share.  Sometimes it's cutting, sometimes is slight, and sometimes is just down right stupid.  But the beauty of this dance is while I sit in the midst of chaos of misunderstandings and behaviors driven by perceived pain, I find peace.  I hear a higher calling for my goodness.  I hear the whisper of God every day, telling me that this is releasing me from the pain of my past and is calling me to a higher faith.  I recall 18 years ago Reverend Michelle did a sermon and spoke to my heart and changed my life.  She spoke of duality that is created by the pain in our minds.  She said there is no such thing as good or bad happenings in our lives, but everything has singleness of purpose, everything is for our higher good, God is in everything. She said, "It's not a freight train coming ...

Trick or Treat!

Will you get tricked or treated? The dictionary defines trick as an act or a procedure intended to achieve an end by deceptive or fraudulent means. One of the definitions of treat is to give (someone or oneself) something pleasurable. Often pleasure is considered the treat and the denial of pleasure the trick. The truth is often the reverse. Short term pleasure often results in long term pain. A bag full of instant pleasure often rots out teeth, promotes diabetes and adds unhealthy weight. A bed full of pleasure can ruin marriages, cause unwanted pregnancy and disease. A bottle or syringe full of pleasure can cost you your job, reputation and freedom. Trick or treat was not the original nor current deception. The real trick is Trick AND Treat.