My son made it very clear that I have an excuse for everything and I don’t make choices. I teach this stuff. How can he be so wise for me? We can’t see ourselves.
Victimhood was taught to me by mommie dearest. My son chose to love me enough to call me on it.
I have never been able to see my worth. Although I have helped hundreds of people change their lives, I have hung on to old lies taught to me by drowning people who could not love me.
I raised a great son and in my thinking then, I have served my purpose. In light of a recent occurrence in our community, a dear loved one took their own life; I contemplated that CHOICE we all have. I contemplated that choice as a one of freedom from pain and why could I not make that choice?
In that cry to understand why that seemed to be a valid choice I cried out to a few loved ones to discuss this. As I turned to these conversations I found love. I found the one person who knew me well enough to call me out. My son.
I had several conversations. All of them were rot with victimhood. (mine) Some told me I was the strongest person they had ever known and they loved me (Shane's dad). I had called Guam and talked with him. I am angry with him for never being there for our son. (That’s a sidebar-because he became relatively irrelevant in the happiness quotient of my sons life).
I spoke to an ex-boyfriend (Martin). He happened to call me and I spoke my truth about my contemplations. I spoke the truth about how I had so much evidence that I was not lovable. How he could not love me. (Victim) Although he is not the right partner for me he does love me.
I spoke to River during the day and she cared for me deeply and gave me lots of time. But I still deflected love away.
I spoke to my brother (Ray). He is quite a man. I have loved him, hated him, despised him, felt sorry for him, thought wrong of him and loved him again. He has been in this place more times than I can count. He saved my life once years ago when I tried to take my life. He intuitively knew there was something wrong, came and found me and saved my life. He told me this will pass. He reminded me that I am not defined by the drowning people who didn't love me. He is a wonderful brother. We finally have made it to loving each other.
This whole last week, contemplating the deeper meaning of the "world" ending, I kept true to my deep belief that something bigger than we could see is happening and evolving calling us into that deeper look into ourselves. Oh wait! The Irony is that it'always happening. We don't need a celandar to tell us this.
I kept wanting to hear the message for me. I kept hearing callings and messages but they were too skewed for me to put a finger on it. It was very confusing.
I wanted my whole life to help others, but not have to make a living from it. I wanted to some how be taken care of by someone or thing else (irresponsible) and just help others. Somehow this feeling of incongruency of having to charge left me feeling victim. I could never put my finger on it. I believe now that it was a deep calling in me but skewed by unworthiness, that I am not valuable enough to get paid for it. That I don't deserve to make a great living by helping others. That somehow I was not being authentic. The real truth is I was probably not really loving others. I am just a great teacher. As my son said last night, I am not living the principles as I teach, at least not in the last few months.
My final conversation in contemplation of a choice to end pain by suicide, I spoke to my son. He has known I struggled with past pain. He has felt deeply loved by me and has told me that I have saved his life. I hear the words, but still deflect the words away. I am highly skilled at this slippery slope.
I told him that it was not his job to sit with me while I worked through these feelings. But he insisted I was not hearing him and his love. He said that I needed to trust and listen.
He has made statements in the last year that anything he does for me is not out of obligation but a deep love and wanting to give. I still deflected it away. He is not a child anymore but a grown man who tells me that he is a life partner for me (family) and is blessed by having me in his life.
Greg has taught me a lot in the last year about trust. So I listened.
Our conversation last night was proved very productive. :)
My journal early this morning:
Ok. Big flashbacks happened yesterday. I have isolated myself from love completely and have trouble seeing my worth. Shane (my son) spent a couple of hours with me last night and really challenged me to look at what I give this world. That I could not see my worth and that I deflect love away even from him. He held me while I cried. He said I was convinced that love from even him was wrong and he gives it freely with no obligation. He reminded me that I was isolating and forgetting my worth. He said that just my "being" everyday, teaches him and his girlfriend how to "be" happy and loving and that the lies I believed about my unworthiness were killing me. He said he knew I have struggled my whole life with it and I had to wake up to my value. I had some really big memories of a past boyfriend from years ago that came up. So painful that made me go back to some pretty big lies that it was all my fault and it proved no one could love me. I tanked and as I thought about options that why couldn't I have the choice too like Tom, I kept getting more clarity about me. Why couldn't I have that choice? Why wasn't I allowed to have that freedom? And as I got that I have that choice and Shane allowed me to talk about it, I felt him loving me. He held me. He said he honored me no matter what. Then, when I could hear him, he was hard on me about being a victim and said that clinging to all the old lies was a darkness I was not seeing. It was a choice that I wasn't seeing as a choice. He kept with me until I got it. He has a gift of seeing and loving. My choices make me free and I can choose to see my worthiness from within and not defined by others. He said I have to make a choice to quit deflecting evidence away because the old unworthiness is like a warm blanket that my mom taught me to hold on to. My son is right. I must choose happiness and know that is a choice I want and the freedom from pain. But he said I have to get seen and loved more. That I am forgetting that I am not alone. He told me that I have chosen to focus on all the evidence where I was not loved versus the evidence of where I have helped change the world.
I got it. Last night I let my son love me and for the first time, I didn’t have to tell him it was never his job. He gave to me freely. And I felt it.
I learned that I have to stand upfor my own worth and happiness. It's a choice I get to make and re-make daily. That I am loved and worthy of love. That I rock and do great things right along the fucked up ones too! And in the end, it's all good.
Mostly now I am tired today. I am tired of the choice of victim even when the bad memories creep in. I am tired and exhausted by the stupid choice of victimhood.
Today I spoke to my brother. He reminded me that today was a new beginning and I could feel his love. I journaled to Greg, River, Dwayne and Frankie. I felt eveyone’s love for the first time in a long time. I felt like I mattered. I felt that I could stand up for the first time and see that I have a purpose for my life, even while greatly flawed. Up until today I chose to be a victim and whine about how I am not worhty. Pretty pathetic right? So now I can just accept and shout to the world "I am pretty cool"!
I am glad to take this journey with all of you. Thank you for loving me.
Sharon Winningham, CRLC
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